I Hate Your Blog (Unplugged) (feat. Quelle Chris)

from Net Split or, the Fathomless Heartbreak of Online Itself by MC Frontalot



Featuring Quelle Chris again! Twice on one record. What a treat.

Ha ha ha, blogs. Remember those? They tended to be pretty lousy.


I hate your blog.
It's incredibly
terrible and bad.

I hate your blog. You own a dog, and you feed it.
You post about it. I get to read it.
Plus: five paragraphs on the socks you bought
and your thoughts on whether Nicole Ritchie's hot or not.
You got no reason to be typing, yet you persist.
Hit each key with your fist till you punch out your top ten list
of all the things that ever happened in your life.
Number one: met Michael Jackson's second wife.
Number two: got Curly on the Which Stooge Are You
Poll, as the GIF proves. Click for the link-through!
Three: saw puppy pictures on a web page,
kittens in a nest egg. The idea gestated:
Why not open up your own?
So you bought the account and yet I hope you don't
put the payments in on it every month like they want,
'cause then you'll disappear off the internet, haunt
just the Wayback Machine like a ghost.
And I won't be like, "How come you don't post??"
I promise I won't.

I hate your blog. Your recipe for vegan eggnog is stupid.
I hissed and I booed it,
and then eschewed it, never made it once. Yes,
your blog roll is a confederacy of dunces.
It abuts less interesting links in your posts.
Hamsters that dance! I'm not engrossed.
I'm not opposed to your collection of All Your Base pics,
but they're longer in the denture than a ninja flipping out doing face kicks.
I'll phrase this nice:
if it's hard to get to bed, your web site will suffice
to entice me to slumber. I mumble impoliticly,
"I tried not to click 'read more' but you tricked me!"
Want to stick the whole computer in the trash can
instead of reading about the constipation lately and your ass plans
that you seem to contemplate.
You thought I would rate your page "awesome" and "great"?

[Quelle Chris]
How could you hate my blog? It’s got everything. Have you seen the title with free glitter bling? Inspirational quotes about anything? Dank memes and links to the best gaming streams? ZIPs with clips of kick-ass movie scenes? GIFs and riffs, my opinion is super keen. A proud Trump voter, a big gun owner, fake trick blower on my John Deere mower. I’m real likeable and unforgettable, and if I use your photo I’ll never credit you. I hate Instagram, Snap, and Reddit too. My blog’s got a super loud embedded tune: Stupefied by Disturbed on repeat. I know each word. And that’s me, come and see, I know you’ll love it. Stop being a normie and join the troll republic.

I hate your blog. You ain’t logged in in a month and a half,
and I, for one, am aghast.
I mean I’m fast on the way to removing it from bookmarks.
If I took part in vanity I might be trying to look smart
by not checking eight times a day.
Your blog is so despair-inducing I can’t bear to look away.
Oh, well! Got to do what your muse compels.
Guess I’ll try to go despise a blog by someone else.


from Net Split or, the Fathomless Heartbreak of Online Itself, released March 8, 2019
Unplugged from the Mashed Postudios session, 11/4/2018.

Vocals: MCF, Gm7, Bl4k L0tus
Piano: Gm7
Bass: Bl4k L0tus
Drum: The Sturgenius

Lyric by Damian Hess
Music by Damian Hess and Gabriel Alter


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