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An fun internet classic about addiction, embarrassment, and shame!

MC Frontalot would like to explain that the popular slurs "midget" and "tranny" are included in this lyric only to mirror the language of porn categorization, never to suggest that these are proper ways to refer to human beings.


Just got hard-pressed underneath my desk.
No jest! It’s time Frontalot confessed:
at the best of times, got the worst of rhymes.
And I don’t think I’m the first to find
my life devoted less to lyrics
than it is to my struggle for pyrrhic
victory in the race to be
teh intarweb’s number one devotee
of smutty little things that occur onscreen
(risqué to — hey! — quintuple-x obscene):
MILFs who shave themselves so cleanly;
twins in positions unseemly.
My spleen ain’t the part that gets vented.
I grabbed a hold and fapped like I meant it.
Distended, probably oughta leave it alone,
spend more time stroking on the microphone.

Got a boatload of midgets and they’re in command
of a full-grown woman on her knees and hands.
Got a long hard donkey and a farm girl too
and the braying’s so dismaying when he starts to spoo.
Got to click close, put it away
‘cause the internet is f-i-l-t-h-y.

Lurking in #pass chans on the IRC,
got DCC’d unexpectedly
with an 80-minute XviD: Nuns In Heat
Part III: Bad Habits. I’m so l337
that I had that one already.
Skipped to the part with the fishnet teddy.
Whipped it out, but to my chagrin,
one toss from a win when the boss walked in,
said, “Nuh-uh Front, that terminal ain’t
for a latex crucifix spanking a taint
in big 32-bit color
while them rosary beads get yanked out the cruller.”
I said, “You can’t fire me; I quit!”
Opened up the case, yanked out the hard disk.
Absconded, all with the data in hand:
thirty-one years of Hustler scans;
plans for how to construct a love swing;
archived since spring of ‘92;
receipt for my RealDoll’s stripper shoes;
tools for an online poll I ran
(vote once, Tubgirl or Goatse Man);
glands galore, explore for hours;
diaper play and roman showers;
glory hole video, deep as it gets;
MPEGs of an heiress that she ought regret,
cap’d on cam from a hijacked feed.
Half a terabyte, so whatcha need?
Got grannies in the front, trannies in the back,
red on brown on blond on black,
ganged up, tied up, all alone:
every delectation to which I’m prone.

Got the Japanese schoolgirl tentacle love.
Got the furries in a flurry, they been yiffing it up.
Got a Craig’s List poster trading poo for pee.
Got a deep dark dungeon full of hot bi Swedes.
Got to click close, put it away
‘cause the internet is f-i-l-t-h-y.

The backslash on my keyboard’s stuck.
Mouse wheel don’t turn ‘cause it’s all gummed up.


from Net Split or, the Fathomless Heartbreak of Online Itself, released March 8, 2019
Unplugged from the Mashed Postudios session, 11/4/2018.

Vocals: MCF, Gm7, Bl4k L0tus
Piano: Gm7
Bass: Bl4k L0tus
Drum: The Sturgenius

Lyric by Damian Hess
Music by Damian Hess and Gabriel Alter


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MC Frontalot New York

World's 579th Greatest Rapper

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